Thing 1 is studying early man right now in her social sciences class. She killed a pig for food in a simulated survival game on her school issued ipad? We thought the swine slaughter was a little extreme but given the importance of bacon in our society, I suppose it’s important to instill some sense of where it comes from.
It’s only a matter of time until the school gets to the part where these early dwellers reproduce, so I want to inform my girls that males aren’t necessarily evil but merely prisoners of a reptilian brain that fails them consistently. I want to be more evolved than the fathers who tend to cast all boys as homicidal teen rapists, hellbent on booty pilfering. All that strategy has ever really gotten any dad is girls craving the very thing we want them to be repulsed by. We also what them to marry one of these degenerates one day and make grand babies and therein lies the dichotomy of being a dad with daughters.
Since I am a stanch believer in the laws of evolution, I’m sure I can find clues in primitive culture that explain the current day behavior of boys in a more inclusive philosophy.
My thesis begins with the first primordial man who ever grabbed the hair of a primordial woman and attacked her with his dirty little uncircumcised wennie. In this case, I imagined a day in the life of a hairy, horny, cave man.
5:00am: He wakes up in the cave at first light with a morning boner. He then rolls over to the first available female and backdoor’s her while she sleeps because face to face sex with morning breath is not conducive to natural selection.
5:03am: He pre-maturely ejaculates because drawn out sessions with his moleskins around his ankles would leave him vulnerable to attack from other alpha males or a saber tooth tiger. At least that’s his excuse.
5:04am: He falls asleep because of the natural post orgasmic sedative that gets release by the male nervous system. This insures he stays close to the female so another male can’t jump in, thus cockering him and negating his genetic material .
6:00am: He sets out following the tracks of a wild bore. She tells him the tracks are at least three days old. He turns around, clubs her on the head and follows the trail anyway, not asking anyone for directions.
6:15am: She staggers up, gets the kids to cave painting class and sets out in search of berries and water.
6:00pm: She comes back to cave with fresh water, berries and an antelope carcass that died of natural causes.
6:45pm: He comes back empty handed and kicks their pet armadillo in frustration (yes, armadillos did exist back then).
7:00pm: He bones her out of spite and resentment, falls sleep.
7:15pm: She uses a vibrating Madagascar roach to pleasure herself while he drools on the new water buffalo pelt she just cured.
7:30pm: He has a disturbing dream about bathing with his hunting buddy, thus propagating the myth made by all gay men, that every straight man is secretly gay (maybe thats where the term Homo Erectus originally came from).
So, what have we learned from this exercise? First, we have traced the roots of the post sex phenomena that occurs in males, where fevered passion turns to lethargy at a speed that it can only observed through the lens of an IMAX stop motion camera. This on/off switch, which seems to confound young girls, is nothing more than a developmental lag that will take several more thousand years to correct. Put another way, no matter how domesticated your pet scorpion, no matter how many tricks you teach him, he will still sting you, even on your birthday. It’s just his nature… he’s a scorpion. Maybe someday the scorpion will eventually evolve into a harmless creature but not until he loses his stinger and that ain’t happening anytime soon.
Second, once a young girl obtains this blueprint of the male brain, she can make informed decisions about her romantic life during those awkward teenage years. She might even decide to forego all the aggravation of boys and become a lesbian, because as any straight man will tell you, all woman are secretly lesbians.
So, after careful consideration of the whole issue, I’ve decided to opt out of being a chaperon on next month’s field trip to the natural history museum until I’m better prepared.
Ahhh, another parenting crisis procrastinated!