Four Ways to Avoid the Flu


There are many things I’m not at all concerned about.  Identity Theft for example…not really worried about it. I’m almost flattered that someone would want to assume my persona, if only for fraudulent purposes.  The Wrath of God is another.  I think I could make a practice of breaking every commandment, every day of my life and never be struck down by the almighty (do I capitalize “almighty”?). The very real penalty of breaking any number commandments is jail. That’s not god working in mysterious ways, that’s the criminal justice system.  Mercury of Retrograde is not one that I’m likely to heed either.   Come on, I’m really going to put off signing a contract because my planets are misaligned?  Maybe it’s just my Capricornian nature but I just don’t buy it.

The one thing I have come to fear is the uber flu that invades Manhattan every winter.  The hype is large but the bug usually lives up to it.  Much like extreme hot temperatures and too much Red Bull, it seems to ravish the very young and old. We’re all encouraged to get shots of exotic anti-flu concoctions but they very seldom target the strain everyone gets. This year’s flu has been especially violent.  Stories of hard drinking Wall Street he-men bedridden like newborn babies with colic and family-wide vomit-polooza festivals abound.  One perfectly healthy 20 something I know ended up at Cedars on an IV drip. True story.  In short, I’m paying attention and I’ve adopted a few precautions that I’d like to share.

1.  Wash your hands like Larry David with scalding water, plenty of soap and for the time it takes to sing happy birthday to yourself twice.

2.  Cease all displays of physical affection with your kids.  Cash or gift vouchers will suffice until May 1st.

3. Only press elevator buttons with your elbows (or knuckles in a pinch).  The best thing is to order others to do it for you but that’s not always socially acceptable.

4. No sharing of food or drink with anyone.  If you’re unclear about  the protocol just google “avoiding herpes in the 80’s”

Good luck out there!

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